Mindfulness

So recently i've been told to look into mindfulness. i haven't heard of this concept until recently, maybe in passing, but never be drawn to it.
I suffer from depression, actually only today was i told i seem to be having a major depressive episode.
ive been trying to work through it without meds, because to be honest, one kind i was on made me feel over zealous but numb, and the other, highly alert and strung.so since bashing my head 2 months ago and seeing a professional about recovery its come to my attention i have underlaying issues, that have intensified since the injury.But not related to the injury.I've become highly critical of the world.uninterested in it to the point i sleep often.
i quite often think about death throughout the day, fantasizing about jumping off things, or infront of cars idealizing over what or how the world would change, like id have some sort of butterfly effect.when in fact im quite insignificant.and then its the idea, well why not do it. whats the point.
I would never admit this. alot of the people around me dont know half the things that go on in my head.and i like it that way.I have my art which helps counter these thoughts..in most instances.being bothered to do it is another thing.I try to create one piece each day...at least.
so ive sidetracked a little here, back to mindfulness...

So i googled it, and came across so much banter about it i feel overwhelmed.what to read first?...and what to avoid? when i read about things on self improvement two things go through my head.what is it?, and how can i relate?.
ya see, if i want to consider something worthy of my time i usually like to find something about it i can relate to.
currently i feel a little ripped open and pessimistic after my recovery sessions. and quite frankly just dont give a dam,but ok, i'll humor their suggestion. so i read a little about this "mindfulness" concept/thing.
its pretty much like Zen.great, something i've tried to understand before, but had no luck, ya see, things can not just be for me.
Though there is one thing i found that i can relate to in a total opposite sense... that is the idea that "mindfulness" is the ability to step back and observe yourself, as in your thoughts or feelings without letting them be the fabric of you.
where as, as an everyday person i feel things, constantly think things, when all i want is to actually be me, i dont know who me is really..what im saying is most my thoughts i do not feel are actually me.they make me angry, sad, frustrated. and so often i withdrawal myself from everything.and that is satisfying to me.im not bothered, at the same time, like some mental paradox.
So in relation to mindfulness, im aware of them, but unlike mindfulness i let them effect me.theres no other way i roll unfortunately.
I think feeling is the only thing thats stopping me from doing something silly.but at the same time, it's like a drive to.
I'm in so much self contradiction at the moment i cant even explain.this is starting to sound like utter jabber-wocky.WELCOME TO MY MIND.

i kinda feel sick at the thought i can never get a break from the voices in my head.so i took a moment before and tried to just have a moment.and ya know what popped to mind... "this is silly", "you cant void me" listen to me", "your screwed", "go have a smoke".. so i did.
while i had a smoke, i thought "i'm bored", "regretful", "waste of time","why bother", "needy", "i hate", all detached from any relevance to anything, until i think well, why am i bored? or whats a waste of time? or what do i hate?

if i was to answer these... "im bored of day to day", "i regret smoking", "getting help is a waste of time", "eating is a waste of time", "why bother getting up?", "why bother being nice?", "i always seem to want something/needy", "i hate that im addicted to spending", "i hate that im old", "i hate my mind".
even if i try to be nonjudgemental of myself its always there.

actually, what do i hate?... reality.

So anyway as i said, i have art to express all these things. I love conceptual pieces. and i think painting is as close to mindfulness as im going to get.
Painting is the 1 of only 2 things i can do where nothing else matters but finding the perfect green or blue., or angle or frame.
I havent put much of my paint work up here as its always in progress.But im glad i also have photography as my outlet also.i like to take current feelings and find a way to express them in a snapshot. or a series.One series that is always ongoing is my Isolation series.
Isolation is not seen as a bad thing in my eyes, im a selfish person, i enjoy my own company more than company of others.i can say or think what i like of myself. whereas i feel its not good when with other people to think one thing and do another. or do something you dont mean.dealing with people creates dramas, and i feel theres enough dramas in my life with myself already.
Anyway, what im saying is again is, i do not see isolation as a bad thing.
So in relevance to mindfulness, i want to look at isolation is a sense of calm.Not as in isolation (lonely) which i have in the past.but instead isolation ( reverence)..mindfulness.
I have not decided on photography or a painting as my outlet for this idea, im torn between both.so there might be a bit of both over the coming days.then again, i might just tear out some pretty typical Tash moody images.thats if i can be bothered. even though the ideas are there.
Anyway, off to bed now...it must be storytime...oh i just love a good video preferable to reading. keen talks..awesome website!!
keentalks.com/cognitive-neuros…

any thoughts people have or experiences on mindfulness feel free to share hmk.
toodles for now!